I was all shades of confusion. I was contemplating suicide… again! Give me a reason to live.
I was tired of therapy especially with the seemingly unrealistic assignments that came with it. How in cosmos would I be requested to heal by thinking of possible reasons my older cousin raped me? The silly woman even asked me to imagine I was brought up in his kind of family; parents separated, no quality education, feeding off of friends, the list is endless. Where’s the logic in that?
Another session ended with the therapist asking me to write down the kind of life I lived before the incident. How I loved my body, took care of myself, and saw the world as a safe place. Was that supposed to make me feel better and give me a reason to live? Or rather make me hate my present situation the more?
Anyway, I already gave up a long time ago. I was only waiting for the perfect time to take my life. Would there ever be a perfect time anyway? I doubt. For this reason, I gave myself seven more days to live. Oh yes! Just seven days. But then, I decided to enjoy every bit of the next seven days doing the things I loved the most.
Looks like you already know where the story will end. You’re thinking after seven days, I’ll find reasons to live and just forget about my mission right. You’re wrong!
I revisited childhood memories, called everyone I knew – maybe to say goodbye, and visited my favorite place to be, the beach. I also tried to start a relationship with God by praying and studying my bible more; at least I would be meeting Him soon and I didn’t want to feel awkward on our first “date”.
I learned three things in seven days which I’m writing down for anyone with a “death line” like mine.
First, I learned that whatever my decisions were, they made zero difference to the world. I mean, the world doesn’t stop, life moves on with or without me. I can either decide to make my own impact or excuse myself for others to make theirs.
The second lesson I learned was that my reasons to live will be dependent on only ME! I call the shots. I decide who and what to live for; either for my pains or for my progress.
Finally, I learned to exude kindness. Because I was planning to die soon and die holy, I needed to do good to myself and everyone else. I even gave kindness and forgiveness for every hurt received. I also gave out some of my personal effects. I was not bothered about finding purpose but I felt purposeful being kind.
The shocker came seven days after. I found myself wanting to help people who had given themselves “death lines” too. I was fulfilled. I found true love in me, in Christ, and purpose in my pain.
I realized I owe it to myself and my fans (the ones I got from being consistently kind), to find new reasons to live. It was also striking to understand that my little part makes a difference in the universe.
Just so you know… I already took my life. I’m dead now… dead to my feelings, my flesh, my past, and my sins. I found a reason to live in Christ and my pains. You can join me too!